I plucked this quote from a comment made by a mother with many years of experience homeschooling children:
(My) kids are definitely free to be themselves, free from being humiliated, intimidated, compared, judged. They grow up free of all that. I honestly believe that the biggest asset about our homeschool (and probably just about any) is that the kids aren’t there.
“There” is, of course, school – and a word choice that I loved for the simplicity it conveys. To have a nickel for every list of homeschooling benefits; but, really, could it be that a homeschooler’s greatest advantage is that they’re just not “there”?
As you may know, I’m ferty-ish; yet I’m increasingly discouraged to realize how many people my age are still being haunted by their school experiences – at times seeming to shape their lives (almost consciously) as a reaction to those experiences. When I was younger, I thought that we’d all be fixed by the time we hit, oh, 30. Self-actualized, even… But, really, the effects of schooling can be surprisingly defining and enduring.
I recently picked up the book, Please Stop Laughing at Me, which turned out to be a pretty uninteresting read, but it got me thinking about the bullying that goes on in school. I thought about a friend who is an extraordinarly intelligent, capable, insightful person; mention high school and she time-travels back in an instant to her schooldays during which she was mercilessly bullied and humiliated. Her whole demeanor changes at the mere mention of school.
Not that all of us were bullied. You know the character, Amos, in Chicago? Mister Cellophane?
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Should have been my name
Mister Cellophane
’cause you can look right through me
walk right by me
And never know I’m there. . .
When I think about high school, I think about that song. I was Miss Cellophane, which is like being invisible – but, in the bad way. By that I mean, you can’t do all the cool things that invisible people get to do like walk through walls and listen in on conversations unnoticed; rather you just matter too little to be noticed. Better than being spat upon, I suppose; but it had it’s own destructive and lasting effects.
Perhaps better yet than being spat upon or going unnoticed is being a “smart kid.” But, better doesn’t mean good, and getting a better label isn’t necessarily a better thing. Sometimes, for instance, we get together with adults who were smart kids in school. One-upmanship, expertly-veiled put-downs, “my kid is smarter than your kid” comparisons… The more they strive to impress, the more they turn people away, which seems to make them strive all the harder, which… well, it’s a vicious, tragic circle. A very sad, vicious, tragic circle.
How ironic that we spend our early years being categorized and ranked among our peers, constantly, and in every area of our lives; then we spend our adult years trying to recover from the very destructive mental habits formed as a result — and imposing the same upbringing on our own children. But, to instead give your child a life free from all that? What a gift!
Thanks for writing about this. I’ve been thinking about these things for a while too, but never got the nerve up to write about it. I talk a lot about homeschooling for the educational benefits, and those are important. But the fact that school was socially miserable is always at the back of my mind.
Teachers and education were definitely secondary in my schools. I would often dread going to school, and it was because of the other kids. I guess I was a “smart kid”, but I still got mocked and beat up.
Teachers and administrators told me “you have to learn how to deal with people”, as if getting picked on were helping me. Maybe they were just rationalizing the fact that they weren’t doing anything effective to stop it. Well now that I’m an adult I don’t deal with the bullies at all. I spend time with people I enjoy and I have to say I’ve never dreaded waking up since I got out of school.
I am very happy that I can spare my kids from that useless ordeal.
I’m new to your blog but really enjoy the reading so far. I’m a secular homeschooler as well.
I agree wholeheartedly that kids often get a giant boost of confidence from not being in an institution that by its very nature has to rank and judge people. My aunt and I were having a conversation the other day about this. She feels her kids took enormous hits to their self-esteem that haunt them as adults now because of the ADD and school participation. She said if she had known about homeschooling back in the day she would have done it in a heartbeat.
I’ll be back!
Very well put. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and home school my kids from the beginning. They’re so much happier and they enjoy life so much more now than when they went to school. I hated school from Day One when they wouldn’t let me read, but had us all coloring. Then the teacher told me my purple sun was wrong. So was my blue grass and green clouds. I thought they were really pretty, but I didn’t argue. School is a factory designed to produce cubicle critters.I’d rather have my kids grow up in the real world, which is where they’re going to live their lives.
Hi Rolfe,
I’m so sorry to hear about the way you were treated – and then brushed off by adults whose job it was to take care of you. It’s both confounding and enfuriating that these adults could be so negligent and cruel.
The woman in the book was brushed off, too. After awhile, she was taken to a psychiatrist to get to the root of her problem getting along with others. Amazingly, she was also put on medication. So, she stopped complaining (no surprise).
Unlike children, there are things that you can do as an adult to protect yourself from bullies. If someone beat me up, I’m pretty sure I could call the police and have them arrested; I’m pretty sure that the police officer wouldn’t say, “You have to learn how to deal with people. Good luck.”
And, most of us rarely deal with physical bullies as adults. At least, not to the extent that vulnerable and defenseless children do.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s consoling to sense that you’re living a very rich and rewarding life now.
Have a great day.
Hi Kim,
I can understand what your aunt is saying as my older child (now 22) had ADHD diagnosed late as a teen – and hated school, too. It really started in first grade when he was put in a group with other “struggling readers”; shortly thereafter he informed me that he had a “medium brain” and that there was nothing anyone could do to change it. By the time I heard about homeschooling and knew to pull him out, he was 15 and carrying a lot of baggage due in large part to schooling. Like your aunt, I wish I could go back in time and homeschool him. He would have loved it – and it would have spared him so much needless and undeserved suffering.
Thanks for stopping by. I enjoyed your comments.
Absolutely perfect article.
Polliwog,
Thanks for the compliment.
I see (from your profile) that we have a number of interests in common – including a love for all things Bobbarama! He’s great, isn’t he? His conversation with the gym trainer is classic.
Just discovered your blog – and love it. Interesting – and fun.
Well, I’m off to get myself Simpsonized!
Thanks for your comments.