bore me to tears

When he was my daughter’s age, my son used to make me watch “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” with him.  Now, he’s grown and it’s my daughter’s turn to torment me.  Just last week, Sweet Pea decided that she really, really, really wanted to go see Evan Almighty.  Since I’m the Nicest Mom in the World, I agreed.  If only I had read the American Family Association’s Movie Reviews, I could’ve gotten out of it.  I’m sorry, Sweet Pea, but “choosing whether or not to see Evan Almighty (is) a decision with eternal significance.” But, alas, I missed the review.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the movie’s basic storyline, here it is:  God appears to congressman/family man, Evan Baxter, and commands him to build an ark to prepare for a great flood to come.  Evan resists initially; then, does as he’s told.  Everyone thinks he’s crazy, but he proves them all wrong in the end.  Zzzzzzz…. wha?… what?… Oh, I must have dozed off just thinking about this movie.  Sorry.

In fairness, I probably would have enjoyed the movie more had it not been for all the talking going on.  You know how sometimes a character battling her conscience is depicted with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other?  The angel urges her to do right; the devil, wrong?  Well, in my case, I had an Atheist on one shoulder and a Fundamentalist Christian on the other.  I don’t know which was more distracting: their constant chattering or that, on one occasion, they agreed with one another, which was confusing and unsettling to be honest.

Fortunately, I was able to capture some of the dialog during the boring parts of the movie and am now able to share a bit of it here.  (You’ll need to know that “FC” is Fundamentalist Christian and “A” is Atheist.)

Responding to Evan’s discovery that doing good (through “acts of random kindness”) is important.

FC: It is Self that motivates Evan’s good works, not a love for The Father.  God considers such deeds “filthy rags.”  (But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags… Isaiah 64:6 KJV.)

A: The film wrongfully implies that religion is necessary for human beings to act morally.

In reference to the following scenes: 1. A dog is seen biting Evan’s private areas; 2. “A woman is shown getting into bed wearing lingerie”; 3. The depiction of a “metrosexual man.” (Quotes are those of the AFA reviewer.)

FC: Unacceptably crude and offensive. Hollywood being Hollywood.

A:  [chuckling and knee-slapping in response to FC]

Following the statement that God is in all things and that He has over 6.7 billion children.

FC: The “God in all things” notion is New-Age gobbledygook.  God is Father only to those that accept His Son; narrow is the gate and most will perish. (Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction… Matthew 7:13 KJV.)

A: There’s no such thing as God.

Responding to God’s gentle scolding that people are mistaken in thinking that the Flood is about His wrath and anger; it’s actually a “love story” about believing in one another.

A: WTF???

FC: WTF????

(Did I forget to mention that this post has been rated PG-13 for two foul letters?)

Surprisingly, A and FC seemed to really bond on this one – and I just about dropped my bag of very expensive popcorn on the floor. The Flood? A Love Story?  You’re kidding, right?  Have these people even read the Bible?  The AFA reviewer is also very disappointed, even hinting that the fault may lie with the director, Tom Shadyac, a “self-professed Bible-believing Catholic” (fundy-speak for a fake Christian).

So, the AFA reviewer gave it a “thumbs down”; Focus on the Family‘s Doctor Dobson did, as well, from what I understand; now, I must give it a thumbs down, also.  That’s three thumbs down – save for Sweet Pea’s one little thumbs up. Her two favorite parts?  Seeing the animals board the ark two by two by two – and eating expensive popcorn (did I mention that the popcorn was really expensive?).